I am finding, yet again, that sleep has become my elusive mistress. She incessantly teases me, only to dance away before I can grab a firm hold on her. When I do sleep, I am plagued by dreams, some are pleasant…but, most I would rather not have to face at all. The pleasant ones are obviously the most enjoyable, almost always sexual in nature and intense. The kind of dream that makes one wake up, aroused, hard and raring to go. It’s the nightmares though that I would rather not have to face at all.
The day following the nightmares, I am difficult to be around and have a hard time functioning. Every little sound can be a trigger for me, and heaven forbid if there is a loud bang from a car door, or something falling. I’m more irritable to those that I care most about, because I am tired of putting on a good face for everyone else. I’m not mean, just easily aggravated, my emotions are just that much more intensified.
For a long-time I was successful in managing the recurrence of nightmares. I did so by writing mostly erotic stories and poetry. If my mind were on something pleasant like that, then I went to sleep thinking about the next part of the story and could sometimes suppress the nightmares with my rampant imagination. But, then, I battle the internal moral issues with writing that type of material and have an entirely different battle to face.
So, now I am back to square one again. My writing is always intense in one aspect or another. I am either writing something totally erotic in nature, something totally dark in nature, or writing something darkly erotic. But, every so often, I have a glimpse into something else. I just need to find that happy balance, maybe then I can once more suppress the nightmares.
We shall see.
~~
AC Elliott